The Dark Knight Short Review

Today I finally saw The Dark Knight. I'm the type of guy that pretty much thinks every movie I see is 1/2 ass, especially when tons of people say it's going to be good and get my expectations up. I also nitpick movies when they're rewrites or based on a story line that I already know. Well, even with all this in mind, that movie still managed to kick ass. They took the nearly cliche comic book themed movie and actually managed to make it stand apart from all the others. I was impressed. Good shit.

Sports Cars, Jewelry, and Boredom

Cars, diamonds, homes, luxury... This blog entry has nothing to do with any of that, I'm just curious whether my ads are being picked sheerly from the title and first couple sentences... Oops, I forgot... Mansions, Caribbean getaway, Porsche, Lamborghini, Ferrari, BMW, Volkswagen, and an old man sodomizing a goat with a pickle.... I hope I get an ad displayed for the last one, that would be interesting.

Ok, so I've been up all night and, after a few hours of sleep, managed to wake myself up early screaming in my sleep. Fun. Nothing like cussing people out in your dreams so hardcore that it wakes you up. That seems to happen to me a little too much. I have fucking issues. Hell, I don't have issues, I have subscriptions...

I've more or less forsaken my blogs because I think I'm starting to actually start to set standards on what I write. And it's well known that when I start setting standards, I am never able to meet them. So, fuck standards. Now you get shit like this. Also, I've been too busy getting annoyed with minor details. Little things like those "Are you depressed?" ads and not having the meta description tags reading correctly are driving me nuts. Oh well, I tend to obsess over tiny details more then the big picture, I suppose. But I guess it's better to post something then not to bother to post anything at all... maybe. I'm just bored. Blah... Not like anyone reads this shit anyway nor do they get my psychotic sense of humor.

So, now I'm just typing to myself. Yet, another blah... I guess it's a little less crazy then talking to myself, like I usually do. In the end, everything I do is nothing but a meaningless waste of time that's only use is to fill in the gaps of time between misery and inevitable death. Fun stuff.

Stabbity death awaits you.

I guess this is the part that I should put something that isn't just pure pissiness. Not sure if I have that in me at the moment but here goes:


There was once a small boy by the name of Ed.
He had a tiny dick and he wished he was dead.
Late at night, as he lie in his bed,
A monster lurked over him and patted his head.
"Little boy, why are you always so sad?"
"A gargantuan shlong, I wish I could've had!"
"It's not the size of the wand, but the magic inside."
"I'm sure you just say that, because you have something to hide!"
"What, are you calling me gay, you stupid little shit?"
"I call em' like I see, and that's all there is to it."
So, the monsters brutally ripped Ed apart.
And, just to make this rhyme, he let out a fart.


Ok, so maybe that wasn't my best material. Oh well. Ruby, emerald, sapphire, gold, platinum, silver, bloody donkey dick.

Welcome to My Personal Hell

Ok, so I've decided to make this my homepage. I'll be putting random off-topic crap here. Not that everything that I write isn't random or off-topic. I'm more or less still getting the feel for Blogger and am still learning basic HTML to make these blogs all pretty and shiny. I'm more or less just recycling old shit I had lying around on my MySpace page at the moment, so I have content up. It's either that or make little 2 paragraph long shitty ass blogs about how may day went, like most of the fucks out there do. Even if all I do is go on a psychotic tangent, I'd like to make it an interesting psychotic tangent, you know?

I guess I could make this an "all about me page" but, if I did that, I'd be arrested or commited into a psychiatric facility. I'm rather familiar with both of those, actually. I could write one hell of a fucking book about my life. But, again, honesty isn't always a good thing when writing for the whole world to see. I've seen and done endless shit that the normal people get scarred for life for experiencing a fraction of. Needless to say, I'm not fucking normal. I don't break easily. I'm not a sheep. I've been around the block several times and then set fire to the bitch, just because.

The jury is still out on exactly what I'm going to specialize on here. I know a little bit about everything, but a lot of nothing. Go figure. By time I get bored of this random interest of the week, I could have 50 categories. I have a shitload of hobbies and interests. Though, I know there's more then enough "How To" articles on the Internet so why bother with anything normal? I enjoy writing psychotic shit more anyway.

On a completely random note, if I was a cheerleader, this would be one of my cheers:


Murder


M is for merrier, as in "the more the merrier"

U is for U deserve it, bitch

R is for revenge, a dish best served cold... and by me

D is for dumb. That is what you are for crossing me

E is for eventually, when you should expect my wrath

R is for retribution, it awaits us all


I would also carry dual flame throwers instead of pom-poms and set fire to everyone in the stands. That's what they get for caring about high school sports. On that note, how sad is it when people not in high school are into high school sports? I'm not talking about parents either, I'm talking about old dudes my age or older that get into them for no good reason. That pertains to college sports, as well. I'm not refering to people actually IN college but to the jackasses in their 40s, that never even went... What is the point of being so heavily into team spirit if you were never in the team to begin with?! Forgive me for finding that so heavily retarded. I question whether the rednecks I know watching what I just mentioned are actually just using it as a cover so they can drool over teenage boys and not get mocked...

Wait, is there even a point to this post? No. Why would there be? I'm just putting it here to fill up space. Muwhahahahaha!!! And my work here is done, I've updated this damn blog with something new. Go, me... What? Not satisfied? Fine.


Here's a Top 10 list of fun things to do today, that will probably get you arrested. I've actually done a few of these. Can you guess which ones?


10: Start a mailbox flag collection.

9: Wear handcuffs all day but make it look like you're trying to hide them under your sleeves.

8: Stab somebody... It's not original but classics are classics for a reason.

7: Try to rob a convienience store with a water pistol. Pretend it's real and be very aggresive with your demands.

6: Con money out of sexual preditors. Make a fake myspace page and pretend to be a 15 year old girl. Try to get old men to send you cash for a bus ticket. Not like they would press charges, they'd look worse off.

5: Go to Wal-Mart and buy nothing but duct tape, condoms, whipped cream, jumper cables, and a ski mask.

4: Go to a strip club and throw pennies at the stripper. Or, better yet, walk up to the stage with Monopoly money in your mouth.

3: Place a stuffed animal/doll/whatever on your shoulder and talk to it all day, addressing it as "Master".

2: Call your local hospital and tell them you have a cooler full of human organs and ask if they would like to buy any.. "Buy 3 hearts and I'll throw in a free liver" The reaction should be histerical.

1: Buy a few of those realistic looking baby dolls and place them strategically in the street. The ones that cry would work best.

Floppy the Psychotic Bunny

There was once a bunny name Floppy. He was an odd little bunny. He was diagnosed by the bunny shrink with bi-polar and schizophrenic disorders. Floppy wasn't an ordinary bunny. Floppy heard voices in his head. The voices would tell him many things. Sometimes friendly things. Sometimes odd things. Sometimes very bad things.

One day Floppy was hopping in Mr. Farmer's garden, looking for a carrot. Floppy heard a voice say, "Why settle for a carrot, Floppy?" Floppy replied, "I love carrots, what could be any better?" "Human flesh tastes better then any carrot you've had before." replied the voice. The voices had never steered Floppy in the wrong direction before so Floppy hopped to Mr. Farmer's house.

It was still early in the morning, so everyone in Mr. Farmer's house was still asleep. Floppy hopped his way in through an open window. He saw Mr. Farmer's daughter lying asleep in her bed. She was still in her teens, dressed up in cute little pink pajamas. The voice spoke to Floppy, "There, you go. First bite out her throat so nobody can hear her scream."

Floppy hopped up on the bed, as quietly as possibly. Floppy crept over to the little girl with as much grace as a little bunny could. The little girl was fast asleep, snoring out loud. Floppy then, with all his might, bit the girl's throat with the swiftness and strength of a steel bear trap.

The little girl tried to scream as she may but nothing came out. Nothing except for blood. She lay gasping for breath, but could receive none. Instead drowning in what once gave her life. Floppy licked his lips, tasting the child's flesh. "You're right, this is much better then a carrot." Floppy said. "I think I'll have more." Floppy hopped over to the girl and bit off her ear. He chewed it, and rejoiced, giving a little bunny dance. Too bad she didn't read her Horrorscope for that month.

That morning floppy had himself a feast. He ate flesh and drank blood until he was full. He clawed out her intestines. He ripped out her tongue. He burrowed into her chest and tugged on her heart's strings. He was a romantic, after all. He even cracked open her skull and ate her brains for desert. What a happy little bunny Floppy was.

The next day Floppy was hopping along. He was in search of a mate for freaky bunny sex. "Oh why, oh why, are there no female bunnies for me?" said Floppy. "Why limit yourself to only bunnies?" said the voice. The voices in his head were right so far, why not listen?

Floppy hopped and he hopped until he did see, a cute little squirrel by the name of Chun-Li. "Hello little squirrel, would you like to fuck?" said Floppy. "I'm sorry but you're a bunny, so you'll have no such luck." said Chun-Li. Floppy asked the voice in his head, "The squirrel doesn't want to screw, so what ever shall I do?" "If the squirrel is dead, it cannot reject you.", said the voice.

Floppy, with his pointy bunny claws, ripped out Chun-Li's eyes and with it her brain. There was, indeed, a terrible amount of pain. Floppy mounted Chun-Li like a dog on a shoe, and skull fucked her eye socket, until his pecker turned blue. With his raging boner Floppy did cry, "Now take my bunny load, right in your eye!"

Later that night as Floppy lie in his little bunny bed, he began to converse with the voices in his head. "Sometimes, the things you tell me to do, do not seem right." said Floppy. "All that you do is right, Floppy, for you are the Messiah." said a voice. "I am? So, what should I do then?" said Floppy. "Just do whatever you want, but as long as you repent your sins by drinking grape juice and singing cheerful songs about our God the Easter Bunny, all will be forgiven." said the voice "Oh, that makes perfect sense." said floppy. Floppy quietly went to bed.

The next day Floppy was hip hop hopping along, singing to himself, "The Easter Bunny loves me so, because the voices told me so. I can steal and fuck all day, all I have to do is pray!" When Floppy came upon a goat. The goat had a peculiar smell about him and he was smoking something. "What are you doing?" asked Floppy. "I'm getting high." said the goat. "My name is Kefka, the pot smoking goat." "Why do you get high?" asked Floppy. "Because it subsides my urge to kill and takes me to a magical land of peace and tranquility." said the goat. "That sounds great, Mr. Kefka! Can I try some?" asked Floppy. "Sure." said Kefka.

So, all through the day Floppy and Kefka hit the bong hard. When they weren't hitting the bong, they played video games and watched silly shows on TV and laughed intently as they found them much funnier then they really were. They smoked a couple more joints and ate junk food until late into the night. When Floppy realized that the voices weren't talking to him, he wondered why. He was ok though, Kefka didn't ask him to kill anyone that day or do anything that the voices did. It was a very good day. But eventually Floppy had to go home.

Floppy came down from his high and the voices returned. They were as loud as ever. "Floppy there is much work to be done." said the voices. "What do I need to do?" asked Floppy. "Get your rest tonight, Floppy. For tomorrow is the day of reckoning! We shall teach all the heathens that our God is the only true God and you are the bringer of divine vengeance!" said the voice. "Can't I just get high instead?" asked Floppy. "No! Don't you realize that's illegal?! And, besides, the thrill of countless innocents screaming in unison is the only high you need." said the voice.

The next night Floppy hopped to the local cemetery. There was an ominous energy in the air. An air that could only be present when a psychotic bunny, holding the Necronomicon in one hand, his cock in the other, bathed in blood, cackling insanely entered a cemetery, bent on world domination. Or maybe it was just the humidity... Nah, it was something else.

The voices spoke to Floppy, "Now Floppy, repeat after me. TCELES B HSUP!!!" "TCELES B HSUP!!!" Screamed Floppy ...Nothing happened... "Ok, try this.." said the voice. "UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A!!!" Screamed the voice and Floppy... "Still nothing?" said Floppy. "Just wait for it." said the voice.

Suddenly, a rotting hand plunged upward from beneath a grave. And then another. And another. Slowly, the dead rose from the cemetery until there were 30 zombies standing before Floppy. "Maaasssstteeerrr..." they groaned. There were still many graves left undisturbed, it was a large cemetery. "Only 30?" said Floppy. "That's all we need." said the voice. "Now, Floppy, remember that hooker I told you to have unprotected sex with a few months ago?" asked the voice. "Yeah, I remember." said Floppy. "This is were it all pays off. I need you to have anal sex with every one of these zombies." said the voice. "Ummmmm, I don't know, that may be too much for even me." said Floppy. "Trust me, Floppy, now is the time that you will prove to be the chosen one."

And so all through the night Floppy had anal sex with each and every one of the zombies. At first, Floppy didn't enjoy it. But after a while, the thought of decomposing maggot infested zombie bung hole became all Floppy needed to get another bunny boner.

Floppy, exhausted, began to notice a change in the zombies. They began to mutate. They began to grow. A dark green fog poured out of the zombies asses and filled the sky. "What is happening?!" asked Floppy. "The STDs you picked up from that whore and the zombie virus we created through our black magic have combined. There is now no force that can stop us. It will spread through the air, and engulf all. All are doomed and shall become the undead! There is but one more final step." said the voice. "What is it?" asked Floppy. "Free me!" screamed the voice inside Floppy's head.

And so Floppy bashed his bunny head into a tombstone, splitting it open. He died. The voice wasn't real, Floppy was just insane. The zombie super virus, however, was very real. It began the Apocalypse and destroyed the world. There were no survivors.

~Fin

*The moral of this story is: Legalize marijuana or a bunny will go crazy and kill you all! I don't smoke pot and see the crazy shit I'm writing now?!

Horrorscopes for June

It's that time of the month again. My Magick 8 Ball is on the rag, I don't have any tampons handy, and here's what leaked out:





Aries: Your doctor will infect you with a flesh eating virus during your prostate/coochie exam.


Taurus: The glove compartment of your car is a gateway to the realm of the undead. Seek an exorcist immediately.


Gemini: Beware of penises. One may shoot you in the eye, cause you to go blind, and wander into a bear trap, where you will stay wounded until fire ants slowly eat you alive.


Cancer: Pluto is in retrograde, possibly frustrated at being demoted from being a planet. In turn, dogs have become more volatile then usual. If one tries to sniff your crotch, cover it and run!


Leo: Loose lips sink ships, but loose pussy often carries STDs.


Virgo: Buy a helmet and do not remove it for the next 3 months. Also, avoid any place where pianos are stored up high.


Libra: To avoid being mistaken for a member of an opposing gang, only leave the house naked. If that isn't an option, dress like a mime. Everyone loves to watch a mime being brutally beaten.


Scorpio: Don't piss off anyone that prepares or serves your food.


Sagittarius: You're at risk of being burnt at the stake as a witch. Avoid technology and independent thought.


Capricorn: Sesame Street has became a gay cruising area. The Count, unhappy with this, has forsaken counting numbers and is now seeking blood. Could you be his next victim?


Aquarius: Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Need I say more? No camping this month.


Pisces: Do not eat Mexican food. The fumes of your own farts may eat away at the very fabric of time and space and suck you into a black hole... Or you may simply drown in a pool of your own anal leakage.